my strange addictionlemon salt
by SuperAwesomeFunTime
Summary: kenny thinks stan is doing drugs... he's not. (shitty stupid fic for me to cram all my headcanon's into, from my ao3)


A normal day in South Park, Colorado would mean that Kyle did not wake up pissy as shit, but it's not really a normal day. It's cold outside, as usual, and Kyle forgets to brush his hair, as usual, but one thing that isn't normal is that he is pissy as shit.  
The only reason he's pissy as shit is because of Stan and his newest "coping" addiction. Kyle thinks it's really gross, and when they get onto the bus, he smacks Stan on the shoulder.  
"Dude! Stop eating that stuff! It's gross and I don't want to take your gay ass to the hospital from fucked up blood pressure because you ingest 10 grams of that shit every day!" Kyle basically explodes on Stan. "Good morning to you too, babe," Stan sighs, and pours more of the lemon salt into his mouth. "First of all, yeah, my ass is very gay, and my ass likes to ingest 10 grams of lemon salt every day, so what?"  
This irritates Kyle, so he reaches under Stan's shirt and feels around a couple of seconds for the wide strap of Stan's binder that's so familiar to him. He pulls on it quickly, snapping it against Stan's skin.  
"Dude! What the fuck!" Stan exclaims, rubbing his shoulder. Kyle feels kind of bad, grumbling a small "I told you to stop eating it".  
"Seriously, dude, what's eating you?" Stan questions, raising an eyebrow. Stan looked very masculine in the eyebrow department- they weren't unkempt but thick and suited him nicely. Kyle likes to tell him that he likes his eyebrows every chance he gets, because he gets a bashful, cute little smile out of Stan.  
"I'm worried about you, Marsh. Like, seriously. I don't want to have to make you see a doctor." Stan just sighs a bit. "I'll be fine, Broflovski."  
They use their last names with each other when they want to emphasize their points. All their friends do that except for Kenny- Kenny whips out the First-Middle name combo, as if he were the mum of the group (which he basically is at this point. He always was the designated driver, even if he didn't want to be, and made sure Stan didn't drink too much, or do any drugs or anything, and made sure Kyle was eating. Kenny could not actually give a fuck about self-absorbed Eric Douchebag Cartman.)  
Speaking of Kenny- he was trying to hear Stan and Kyle's conversation. He was having a hard time due to his slight hearing loss and the fact that these stupid 10th graders were rowdy as fuck at 8am, but he had picked up pieces like "hospital" and "ingest 10 grams every day" and "gay ass". The "gay ass" didn't really worry him, he heard that stuff all the time, but he was worried about the other parts.  
His friends got into lots of shit all the time and he didn't like hearing that they were getting into more shit, especially Stan. Stan really has a bad habit of hyperfixating on certain things at a time, no matter how bad (so did he and Kyle (they all 3 have ADHD), but Stan's hyperfixations tend to be some bad shit) and he wanted to know what it was, so he's straining to hear above the Rowdy Crowd, but they arrive at school before he picks anything else up.  
Later that day, in class, it's still Rowdy Crowd (apparently English 2 is the place to scream) so he reads Stan and Kyle's hands as they sign back and forth. They both have to mouth along with it, because they only picked it up to help with their ADHD (if they can't process what someone is saying, they can just sign along with it so they can understand better). Kenny is fluent because of himself and his sister, Karen.  
Stan is talking about his depended, Wendy Testaburger- more like complaining. He's saying that she always takes his- someone walks in front of him at that moment, and Kenny builds frustration as dumb white freshmen walk infront of him, he might yell, but he doesn't say anything, because his coat is covering his mouth and it woud all be muffled to hell.  
When Kyle and Stan's hands are back in sight, Kyle says something like 'Good, that shit is bad for you', and Kenny gets so frustrated he gets up and leaves for the bathroom without asking. The sub isn't caring about anything and even so, Kenny knows Tweek will cover for him. Kenny doesn't need to pee though- he goes into the women's room, locks himself in a stall, and begins yelling for a solid 2 minutes.

"God, just-! Just inject it in your skin or something, why don't you? Who even buys you that stuff?" Kyle is complaining as they wait for the bus home. br /Stan raises his perfect eyebrows for the second time today. "Would you rather me be an alcoholic?" "I'd rather you not be any kind of addict!" Kyle retorts sharply, before taking a deep breath and apologizing. "I just.. I don't know. It's bad for you."  
"Chill, it's just lemon salt. Also, Tweek buys me it." "That Portuguese son of a bitch!"  
Stan huffs. "God, Kyle, it's not like I'm not paying him or anything. The salt is only, like, two dollars. That's like forty million Portuguese dollars."  
"Portugal uses the Euro, and it's a dollar seventy-five. Besides, Tweek lives down the street, he doesn't even live in Portugal," Kyle corrects him, "I'm gonna cut you off."  
"Noooo! Por favor, mi amor, mi fajita, necesito la sal! Puedo- Yo puedo comprar desde Craig? Y no Tweek?" Stan begged in Spanish. The way Stan speaks Spanish melts Kyle's heart (even though Kyle barely speaks it, he picks it up from Stan's family, who are Argentinian), but Kyle has to stay focused to get him off this weird salt thing that will definitely bite Stan's ass later. He furrows his brows. "No, Stan, I'm not your fajita, I'm your boyfriend, and I'm going to tell Craig too, now, so that you can't buy from him either. Your blood pressure is gonna go to shit, Marsh."  
Stan sighs. "You're right. Fine, I've been eating this for like four days straight and my tongue hurts."  
"FROM WHAT?!"  
Stan and Kyle were both surprised by the sudden outburst of Kenny, who they had not noticed come up in the past few seconds. Kenny seemed pretty frustrated. He pulled down his coat so that his mouth is uncovered, breath showing in the frosty afternoon air as he spoke.  
"I have been trying to figure out all day what the fuck it is you're addicted to, Stan Bradley! I heard you talking about it on Facebook AND the bus stop! I can't figure it out, the timing is too bad! Tell me what it is! It better not be fucking heroin or some shit, because-"  
Stan and Kyle simultaneously began laughing, cutting Kenny off. "What? What's so funny?"  
Stan began to explain himself through laughter, "L-Lemon salt. Not drugs. Like, beer salt. Oh, boy." Kenny began to blush from embarrassment and cold. "Uh. I, uh-" Kyle pulled them both into a hug, still laughing. "We love your enthusiasm, Ken."  
Kenny laughed a little too, pulling his coat back over his mouth, quietly saying a muffled "I love you too".


End file.
